We will miss you, Grandma

Mary Leona Dillman Eldredge, better known as Grandma or G, passed away this morning some time after 7:00am.  I got to kiss her on the forehead before I went to work this morning.  Thanks and love to all those who knew, loved, and/or appreciated how amazing she was.  Thank you for all the support you have offered.

Smiles

We have G's hospital bed in the front room facing the beautiful view that anyone can get sucked into staring at for hours.  She's very sleepy and she can barely talk.  Mostly, she mumbles and tries to nod and use her eyebrows.  She has been so sweet to all her visitors and I'm glad she is surrounded by loved ones.  Everyone is in tears because we all love her so much.

Every time she's been awake and I've gone to her bed, she gives me a big smile and widens her eyes to try to connect as much as she can.  I am loving her smiles.

Dreams

I sent an email of my dream last night to my older sister:

I just had a dream about a super popular girl. The only way guys would ask her out is by bringing posterboards with solicitations as if they were at a football game or something. She was walking through the park with her husband and kept running into old high school classmates who had brought their signs to ask her out. One of the guys she ran into asked her how she was doing, and expressed how disappointed he was that she was married, "Naturally I made my signs, figured I had to give it my best shot. Seeing some of the people from high school is really a trip right? Some of these guys have really changed."

Then she ran into another class mate who said, "Oh, it's so nice to see you! I've made my sign, but I guess you aren't interested. What have I been up to? Well, my ex-wife has turned into quite the liberal and has been making me into one as well. She's decided I should run for office and to use the domain she already owns, 'leeanntherepublican.com'. Why buy a different one?"

So she sent me her dream:

I dreamed G pooped and you and I were like, "Well, what now?"

Jazz

G said she was listening to her irregular heartbeat when they were doing a sonogram and she tried to mimic the sounds her heart makes.  She sounded like a jazz bassist.  "boom-boo, bumpa da, bleedee-dip".  And it reminded me of PFT's jazz riff.

We were laughing and giggling about it.  It was a pleasant night.

I guess this has to be a somber post.

G had some trouble yesterday as she was throwing up and couldn't get any food down.  Anna took her to the ER today and it looks like she has a kinked bowel.  The surgeon said he really thinks it won't unkink itself and surgery is likely her only option, but he will try to drain her stomach over the next few days in hopes of helping the obstruction to unwind.

It isn't likely it will resolve itself and this is a pretty serious impasse.  G is handling it like a trooper, but is sad she will be in the hospital for the next few days, at the very least.

If you pray, please put her in your prayers.  We love her and maybe this is her time, but we are kind of selfish and want her around as long as possible.

Pest Control

I didn't stay late at work yesterday, despite the fact that I have so much work to do, because G's evening care worker wasn't able to come.  We don't like to leave G alone, so I made sure I was home earlier than usual.  When I was driving up, I heard some tapping noises and saw two beautiful bucks walking away from G's yard.  There was Ti-ti, G's daytime worker, rapping a stick on a tree to scare them away.

Apparently the deer had been bothering G and Ti-ti had to go outside in the 100 degree weather to chase them away three times because they kept coming back.

"Those deer were eating my bushes!  They better not come back."

I just love how irritated G got with some harmless deer in her yard.  It's not like we have a well manicured lawn.  I don't see the harm in having a few deer hang out for a while.

Phone Problems

"Esther, come here for a minute."

This has always been the command before a never-ending and exhausting task.  She said that before I helped her clean out the garage after Grandpa died.  She said that before she had me spend two days weeding her bank.  She said that before we spent six hours cleaning the light fixtures in her home which ended up in us cussing each other out, as the cleaning of her light fixtures always reduces people to do.

Lately, it has come to mean she will engage you in never ending dialogue about imaginary problems that her brain keeps inventing.

Today she kept pointing behind the phone and saying she needed me to help her figure out her phone coverage and how she thinks her number was taken away.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I tried to keep a straight face and take her seriously.  She's had the same number for probably at least forty years.  Anna asked her, "Grandma, what is your phone number?"

"967-7841."

That is not her number.  At all.  And from what I can remember, it never has been.  She kept pointing behind the phone as if something was physically there to explain the whole problem.  Anna and I kept explaining she has the same number and she hasn't lost any coverage.

After about 45 minutes, I finally had to kiss her on the head, turn Law and Order: SVU on and leave the room.

Liar

Monday night is the night G has a meeting with her church friends to talk about a book or pre-determined topic.  Lately she has been avoiding going because she feels embarrassed about losing some of her mental faculties. Last night she told her helper that Myrna had cancelled the meeting this week.  Anna didn't believe her and called another group member who said it was still on at his house.  So Anna told her she had to go and be with her friends.  G called Anna a liar and started dragging her feet as Sulita started to wheel her out.

G: "How did you find out it is still on?"

Anna: "Alan Peterson said he's having it at his house."

G: "Did he call you or did you call him?"

Anna: "I called him."

G: "Darn you."

Clothes

G has always been sort of free with her body when we've always been more modest.  When we were kids she couldn't understand why we were so shy to change around each other.  "Oh you girls are just a bunch of prudes!"

Yesterday she walked up to Anna and asked, "Why do you have me in all these clothes?  Do I really need to be wearing all these clothes?"

"Yes, Grandma, you need to wear clothes."

"Well, I don't see why you made me wear a bra to church."

Dancing Grandma

Now that Grandma's extremities are on the mend, we are making her walk more.  Anna got her up from her chair the other night and started dancing with her.  It was the absolute cutest thing I have ever seen.  G was smiling and having a great time and didn't want to stop.

Anna asked her, "So who's your favorite?"

G grinned, "You are!"

Then she noticed I was standing behind them giggling and she said, "...and everyone else too!"

Poor Peaches

G loves it when we play any sort of Mario game on the Wii because she loves Princess Peach.  She will stop whatever she is doing to watch the game and root for Peach.  Watching how much G loves Peach is so much fun.

We were playing Mario Party the other night and we made Peach a computer player.  Peach lost one of the mini-games and G laments, "Poor Peaches."

Pineapple

It was my aunt's birthday the other night and we had pineapple for dessert.  My parents were over for dinner along with my Aunt Jo and Uncle Tom.  I was being really immature and giggling at how much my dad was piling on his plate as one rumor about pineapple is that it is supposed to make semen taste better.

So my brother, sister and I are all laughing because my uncle won't eat any and my aunt and uncle ask us what we are giggling about.  Anna announces, "Pineapple's supposed to make your cum taste better."

Right after Anna, who is sitting right next to G, announces the effects of pineapple, Grandma loudly announces, "Tom, don't you want some pineapple?"

Ti-Ti is mean.

I came home yesterday and sat down with G to ask her how she is doing.

"I can't believe it.  Ti-Ti made me walk all the way from the bathroom to the living room."  G looked as if someone had said the c-word to her or something equally offensive.

We had to push G kicking and screaming, sometimes literally, into going into a wheelchair while her feet heal and now she refuses to walk.

Trust Issues

We took G to a brunch this weekend all the way out in Rocklin.  On the drive out G was freaking out, "Where are you taking me?"

"To brunch, Grandma.  It will be good!"

"We're going too far, let's just go to Marie Callender's."

"No, we're going to Rocklin.  It will be ok."

"I don't want to go to Rocklin."

"Don't you trust us Grandma?"

"Yes."

"Then it will be ok, we are going to take care of you."

"Turn around, I want to go to Marie Callender's."

"Grandma, you said you trusted us."

"Well, I don't anymore."

First Shift

So, G is like an aids patient and has no capability of healing from her wounds because all she eats is sugar and she's ancient.  Tonight, again, she wouldn't eat her dinner, but ate the ice cream i brought home to her, not knowing she didn't eat any dinner.

A few years ago she got this gigantic bed sore on her ass and it was a whole ordeal.  Medicated gauze had to be stuffed in it twice a day and pulled out and cleaned and redressed.  I only did it a few times because I wasn't good enough for her.  She liked Anna better, which is one time that bias has paid off.

We came home today and she developed a level one ulcer on her ass.  We aren't even done getting her feet healed and she's already starting her next year long medical plan of action.  We think she got the sore from sleeping on her back for too long last night, so we are taking two hour shifts to wake her up and make sure she turns over.  It's my shift first.  So, I'm up until midnight.  Yay.

Anna is still the favorite.

Anna is still G's favorite, which I never hope to change.  Life is too fun watching G in her clearly biased opinions.

For my birthday, G not only gave me a card, she also gave Anna a card with cash in it.

I don't want to go to bed.

I feel bad as I was in Vacaville all weekend being overloaded with math, Anna was taking care of G.  By the time I got home Sunday night, she was completely unhinged.  But Anna was still sweet and went to turn down G's bed.  When Anna came back into the room, G had re-made the bed and was smoothing out the comforter.

"Grandma, why are you making the bed?  It's time to get in the bed."

"I don't want to go to bed."

"It's 10:30.  You have to go to bed."

"I don't want to go to bed.  What will I do in here?"

"Well, you can watch TV, eat the snacks hidden in your drawer, read any of the books we put on your Kindle, or you can go to sleep."

"I don't want to go to bed."

"Too bad, it's time to go to bed, I have to get up early in the morning."

"You girls go to bed so early."

Vegetables

I made roasted vegetables and mashed potatoes to go with some left over beef with wine sauce Anna had made. And G actually cleaned her plate.

"Grandma, can I get you more of anything?"

"I sure don't want any more of those vegetables."  She said the word vegetables as if there was a rotten egg in her mouth.

Ten minutes later, I was clearing her plate and I asked if she was sure she didn't want anything else.

"Well, you could get me one more of those carrots.  Those were delicious."

Peas Porridge Hot

When I came home, G was pretty depressed about how fast she is losing her memory, so I started telling her my favorite stories about coming to Grandma's as a kid.

I told her about how she and Grandpa Hal would take us fishing in this little pond and Grandpa Hal would put the worms on and take the fish off the hooks because that was a gross job we didn't want to do.

I told her about the time I caught a huge catfish and she let me keep it as a pet.  I named it King Kong and we put it in an empty garbage can with water and it survived less than an hour after we brought it home, so we had a funeral for it and buried it in the back yard.

We talked about how much Grandpa Hal would love Abby and Allie if he were still here and how he would chant with them the same game he chanted with us when we were that age:

Peas porridge hot
Peas porridge cold
Peas porridge in the pot nine days old

Some like it hot
Some like it cold
Some like it in the pot nine days old

I never understood what that meant, but Grandpa Hal would say it in his very crackly voice with his huge goofy grin and laugh every time he got to the end of it.  As I started chanting it, G started chanting with me.

"Oh Esther, thanks for putting some good memories back in me."

Wednesday Night: Part III--Bedtime

G is having worse anxiety and she keeps talking about the coverage and now she thinks the phone by her chair is not plugged in to the rest of the phone system in the house.  She kept going over it for about 20 minutes and we finally had to tell her, "It's time to go to bed. "

"I don't want to go to bed."

Anna grabbed the wheelchair and said, "Grandma, we need to go to bed, we have to get up early.  It's time."

"No!  Please don't make me go!"

OMG.  She is so cute.

Wednesday Night: Part II--Happy Birthday!

Anna and I were out of town on Sunday, so as a family, we decided to celebrate Father's Day on our family Wednesday Night dinner.  Anna made some amazing gnocchi, steak, and grilled vegetables.  My birthday is in a few weeks and I won't be in town as I am going to be stuck in a math prep conference in Vacaville.

Three quarters of the way through dinner, G says, "Esther, why don't we make this your birthday dinner?"

We were all laughing and Anna says, "Grandma, why don't we make this your birthday dinner?"  And G gave Anna a severe scowl.

Wednesday Night: Part I--Bananas

Tonight was full of amazing OK, Grandma moments, so I am breaking them up into three parts.  Enjoy.


G has certain things she is obsessed about and having enough bananas in the house is one of them.  She often calls her friends and tells them to bring her bananas or tells multiple people in the house to bring some home. This is the result of having no bananas when she woke up this morning.

The reason for the rest of the food on the counter is to help her feel like we have food in the house for her.

How to Die

Friday is when the good magazines arrive in the mail.  I asked G if she wanted to read Prevention Magazine and she said, "No, it's too late for me for that."

Then I picked up Time and the cover was a better punchline than I could have come up with.

Eat Your Peas

G and Anna were going back and forth last night and I was dying.

"Can I have some cake now?  I'm done with my dinner."

"You haven't eaten your peas, you need to finish them."

"I can't eat these.  There is no way I can eat anymore of them."

"Well then I guess you can't eat cake either."

"Yes, I can eat cake, I want some cake."

"Then finish your peas."

"I want cake, it tastes better.  These make me want to vomit."

Dessert First

I went to pick up dinner last night, so my mom babysat G while I went out.

I brought home a beautiful meal for G, but when I got home, I saw that Mom had fed her a giant piece of Rum Cake.  She obviously doesn't know the rule of dinner before dessert.  G didn't touch her dinner and I told her she didn't eat any of her dinner because she spoiled her appetite with dessert first.

"Yes, the cake was delicious."

Grandma: 1
Dinner: 0

Anna's a genius

A recurring theme on OK Grandma is how G thinks my older sister Anna, is perfect and nothing I do will ever measure up.  In the spirit of this theme...

My boss came over to the house on Saturday because we were carpooling to a wedding.  When I was in my room, my boss was very nice and said some really sweet things about me to G.

G was telling Anna and another sister, Lori, about what Chrissie was saying and somehow twisted it around and told the story that my boss thinks Anna is a genius, so G told Anna how proud she was of her.

Ok, Grandma.

Hostage Crisis

Class nights are a bit rushed as I have to rush home, cook dinner for G, move her to where she wants to be before dinner and set up my laptop for class.  Thursdays are particularly tenuous as Thursday is artichoke day, which take an hour to cook--it's just about the only green vegetable I can get G to eat without fighting (but I don't know if it still counts as a vegetable when she dips it in mayo).

Last night I was trying to get her wheeled to the living room for dinner before class and she wouldn't sit down in her wheelchair.  She kept fiddling with her mail and asking me questions about appointments, her memory, her body parts and life in general.  I was trying so hard to be patient.  She would not sit down.  I was her captive audience and she was not going to let me go.

Long story short, I was fifteen minutes late to class.

Shipwrecked

I am sitting on the couch studying for my math CSET and G is in her chair reading her book.  I had to turn on some music to drown out the noises coming from her stomach--it sounds like someone is shipwrecked in there.

Cute pouty G

Mom came over yesterday afternoon to watch G so Anna and I could run a few errands.  When we came home Mom had to go home and take care of her own stuff.  G obviously didn't want Mom to leave, "No! You can't go!  I need you to..." and she couldn't think of anything.

"Grandma, you have to let Mom go home."

"I know.  But I just hate to let her go."  And she bowed her head in that pouty pathetic way she does everything these days.  She is so dang cute.

Sleeping to the Rhythm

I'm sitting in the living room working on my paper and babysitting G today.  She is sitting in her chair with a feather blanket (it's 85 degrees outside), sleeping with her mouth wide open, snoring, and farting in a rhythmic pattern.

Strangest babysitting job I've ever had.

Coverage

Grandma has been throwing away some of her pills every day for the last several months and it's driving Anna nuts because she's in charge of making sure G takes them at the right time and under the right conditions (she has a ton).  One of the pills, if taken incorrectly, can cause disphasia (a condition which prevents her from finding the right words to say) and paranoia.

For over a month, G has been trying to tell Anna and I that she thinks she lost her coverage because she didn't pay.  We keep asking her, "Which coverage? Insurance, medical?"

"No.  I wish I could tell you  how real this is.  My coverage...."

She gets so frustrated and Anna and I started out really patient, waiting for up to half an hour at a time for her to try to spit it out.  But, now it's gotten to the point of being a running joke.  "Grandma, you aren't missing any coverage.  Everything is taken care of."

Today, she roped Mom into talking about her "coverage" and Mom sat very patiently and finally G said, "for the table."

We started laughing so hard because of how frustrating it is for her and for us to wait for her to say what she wants and because what she wants is obviously ridiculous.  There is no coverage for a table that we can think of.  I think she feels better though because she finally was able to put her thoughts together and spit it out.  Hopefully she'll realize that was just a kink stuck in her brain and hopefully this untangled some things for her.  Maybe I'll go pick up a table cloth for her as a joke.  She's great.

Old School

I regret that I didn't take pictures of the dinner I made for G yesterday.  I made her browned butter scallops with a honey glaze over a bed of whole grain rice medley (amazing, from Trader Joe's and heats up in 3 min) with caramelized fresh cut corn, onions and garlic in a browned butter/honey sauce with a side of tomatoes and avocado.

G ate two scallops, the avocado, a tomato slice and one bite of rice/corn.

For dessert, she had a bowl of ice cream and two milano cookies.  She said she was still hungry at bedtime and wanted more cookies.

Anna scolded her and told her she's not allowed to have two desserts just because she doesn't want to eat her dinner.  So the rule now is, "If you don't eat your dinner--and the vegetables, no dessert for you!"

G crinkled her brows and contorted her mouth, "You are cruel!"

Enchiladas and Deep Sea Diving

We had taco salad for dinner that my dad made for G.  On Sunday Dad asked G what she had wanted for dinner on Wednesday and she said she definitely didn't want enchiladas.

Dad made taco salad for dinner and she said in her pouty martyr voice, "Well, I guess I'll have some.  But, I was really looking forward to those enchiladas."

During the course of the evening I had dropped a chip down the front of my blouse and G said, "Well don't expect me to go after it!"

Mothers' Day

Anna bought G an antique bell for Mothers' Day so she could ring for our attention.  The bell is loud and G has not even hesitated about using it.  It was like giving a semi-automatic to Charlton Heston.

Anna's rationale is that she is tired of G screaming at the top of her lungs, "ANNA! ANNA! ANNA!"  Anna goes running in and says, "What?! Are you ok?"

"It's 9:30 [AM]."

"So what?"

"I slept in."

"Ok."



For some reason, I forgot she had the bell and I was in the very front of the house working on homework.  I heard this really loud bell coming from the opposite end of the house and my first thought was, "Santa?"

Girl Talk

I came home from teaching and running errands and went back to G's room.  I laid on her bed with her and we talked and laughed about so many things.  We talked about how smart and kind Grandpa was.  We talked about how much we love our family.  We laughed about how bad at Boggle we are.

I knew we had some of her favorite cheese in the fridge, so I asked her, "Do you want me to get you some cambazola and some crackers?"

She got that thoughtful poker face, lifted her chin and sort of shrugged with her mouth, "That would be nice.  Why don't you get some for both of us and we can sit back here and talk some more."

I treasure all the fun times with G, and this was the icing on the cake.  I really love her.

Real Food

Anna, G, and I were sitting watching a show together and Anna got up to get a plate of cauliflower and grapes. We were sitting and munching and G says, "Don't I get some food?"

Anna hands her some grapes and cauliflower and G says, "I want some real food."

Sugar-Free

Every time I feed G a dessert or a candy or something she hesitates and says, "Oh, I shouldn't eat that, but oook."

I came home over a month ago with some sugar free marshmallow eggs because she keeps repeating that she shouldn't have so much sugar.  When I put them on the counter she wrinkled her nose and asked where the non-sugar-free marshmallow eggs were.  I told her I didn't get any and there they still sit, uneaten.

Pretty Woman

I came home last night after going to dinner with a friend and heard Pretty Woman playing in G's bedroom.  She LOVES this movie.  If it is ever on TV, it's like a secret weapon to keeping her occupied for a few hours.  My sister wanted to sleep in this morning, so she waited until 10:45 and popped in the movie.  G stayed up to watch it, Anna went to sleep early and got to sleep in a bit.

"Grandma, why do you love Pretty Woman so much?"

"Oh, it's such a sweet story."

Gotcha

I told G yesterday that my class was from 4:30-6:30 and that if she didn't want to wait, I would need to prepare dinner for her before class.  She said she didn't want to eat that early, but our in home worker, Ti-Ti, said she would make her a snack to tide her over.

I went in the kitchen and Ti-Ti said, "I gave her some cheese and crackers, applesauce, and a twinkie."

"Any bets on which one she eats first."

Right before class, I went in to check on her and she was pulling the twinkie out of the package and saw me and looked as if she had been caught.  She lowered the twinkie as if she was embarrassed to be seen eating it.

I don't know why she pretends that she doesn't eat sweets, when we all know, they are her primary source of nutrition.

Cinderella

Anna and I were asking G about her younger years and her sisters.  We asked her if she was the bossiest of all her sisters.

"Well, Dorothy was the sweetest.  Naomi was the biggest flirt.  And me...I was the..hardest worker."

...

"I was.  I did all the chores and worked the hardest."

Anna asked, "So you were just like Cinderella then?"

"I was.  I was sweet."

Ok, Grandma.

First Impressions

I have classes four days a week and to save myself some money, I use the landline for the conference calls instead of my cell phone.  I let G know when my classes are so that she knows when I'm busy and using the phone, but I knew it was only a matter of time before she interrupted a class.

At the beginning of the very first class meeting tonight she was on the other handset:

"Hello?"

"Yes, hello, welcome to class."

"Hello?"

"Yes, we can hear you."

"Can I get the zip code to Cedar City?"

"Who do you think this is?  We are in Los Angeles."

"Oh my, Los Angeles?  This isn't the directory?"

"No, where are you from?"

"Sacramento.  Ok, goodbye."

I was hoping to get away with them not knowing it was my line that did it, but she's from Sacramento, I'm in Sacramento.  Ugh.  Embarrassing first impression.

Chi-Chi

G's full time health care employee is named Ti-Ti, but G keeps calling her Chi-Chi.  Anna was warning her tonight to not call her Chi-Chi because it is a synonym for vagina.

"Grandma, how would you like it if someone called you 'vagina'?"

"Ok.  I guess you're right.  That doesn't sound good at all.  'Come here, Vagina!  Show me what you look like.'"

I love it when dirty old Grandma is back.

Exercise

Since G has been wheelchair bound, a physical therapist has told her she has to up her exercises (as a life time fat lady, that would be from doing no exercise at all) to three times a day with great intensity so she doesn't lose the ability to walk by the time her feet heal.  She tried to fire the physical therapist and told Anna she didn't want to do what he said.  Anna had to yell at her to get her to realize that if she doesn't do her exercises, she will likely never walk again and will have to go into a home.

When I came home tonight Anna initiated her third session for the day and Anna was stern about the intensity G was putting into it.  She told G she wasn't working hard enough and G mad-dogged Anna for the entire workout.

Uggo

Anna has been mulling over the idea of getting a puppy to try to keep G company during the day.  Grandma has been very opinionated in saying she doesn't want a puppy.  Anna teases her every now and then, "Well, when we get the puppy you are going to love it so much."

"No!  No dogs!"

Anna and I were picking something up for G when we saw a vending machine that said, "Adopt a Puppy!"  We bought a little rubber puppy for $0.75 and got to the car and told G we saw a puppy adoption sign in the store and bought a puppy.

"No, no dogs!  No puppies!"

Anna showed her the little puppy, "But Grandma, I love him.  His name is Uggo.  Can we please keep him?"

"No, he's ugly.  No dogs!"

Anna and G have been teasing each other about Uggo and now I think Uggo is Grandma's favorite thing in the house.  Anna told G to say goodbye to Uggo the other day.

"Ok, Ooogo, goodbye!"

"It's Uggo, Grandma."

She patted the dog on the head three times and kissed it, "Uggo, Uggo, Uggo."

When my niece came over, Grandma was very clear she could not take Uggo home.

Disappointment

I came home yesterday and chatted with G for a bit and told her I would make her some gnocchi for dinner.  "That would be nice."  That sentence means, 'yes, that is what I want and I want it as soon as possible.'

I made her gnocchi and made sure she had plenty of veggies on her plate--which she barely touched.  She looked at her dinner, frowned, and said, "I thought you were going to make the cream sauce."

"Well, I can make that another night, tonight I made the marinara sauce."

"Oh.  I was really looking forward to the cream sauce."

Emergency Room Fun

G went to the ER yesterday because of an infection in her heels so that she could get an IV of antibiotics.  It went pretty well and was probably our shortest ER visit yet.  When we were at the discharge desk, there was some confusion over which doctor had treated her and Grandma starts rambling off all the doctors that she sees (and that is a considerable list of people in charge of keeping her alive).  She was confusing the nurse, so Anna scolded her, "Grandma, be quiet.  You are confusing the nurse!"

In the cutest way possible, G lowered her head like a scolded puppy.  I love it when Anna and I take Grandma out--it's like taking a three-year old out of the house that we are in charge of.

As a reward for her patience in the ER (and we have to bribe her with treats to get her to eat her real food), we took her to Leatherby's for her favorite ice cream shake and a sandwich.  When we brought the food to the car, she says, "Give me my shake!  I want my shake!"

Limitations

Grandma has recently been made wheelchair bound and mostly bed bound now because of the ulcers on her heels.  She is instructed to keep her feet up all day and avoid walking as much as possible.  Anna and I were eating dinner with G on her first day in the chair and Grandma kept saying things like, "I need to be able to walk and be independent."

Anna told her those were unrealistic expectations.  "Grandma, I can't need to be in a size four dress, because it is never going to happen."

Grandma responded, "That's true for Esther too."

She waited a full minute and finished the sentence, "you know, with her needing to finish school sooner and stuff."

Yeah, uh huh, I'm sure that's what you meant, Grandma.

Now!

Grandma wheeled over to Anna and me, "Now, I need to teach you how to use the dryer.  You need to turn the knob to the top after turning it around."

Anna: "I know how to use the dryer."

Grandma: "You aren't doing it right.  If you did it correctly, you wouldn't need more than one round to dry your clothes."

Anna: "I know how to use the dryer."

Grandma: "No you don't, come here and I'll show you how to use it."

Anna: "No, I know how to use the dryer."

Grandma: "No, you come here right now! 

Anna: "No."

Grandma: "Yes! You come here and I will show you!  Now!"

Anna: "No."

Grandma: "Fine!  You dry your clothes the way you want to!"

Esther:  "I'm not getting in the middle of this."

Morning Routine

Due to G's heel sores, Anna has generously made arrangements to go into work late and come home at lunch so she can help dress the wounds on G's feet.  Here is how her first morning went:

Anna helps G take a shower and gets her all dried off and clad in undergarments.  G lays on the bed while Anna wraps up her feet in bandages.  Anna puts the complicated boots on and then realizes she forgot to put pants on Grandma.

"Grandma, what do you think about wearing a skirt today?"

"Oh no, I can't wear a skirt.  I need pants."

Anna takes off the boots, puts on G's pants and re-fastens the boots.

"Ok, Grandma, what shirt do you want to wear today?"

"I need to wear a shirt."

"Yes, what shirt do you want to wear?"

"I don't know.  I need to wear a shirt."

"How about the gray one?"

"No..."

"How about the blue one?"

"No..."

"Which one do you want to wear?"

"I don't know.  I need to wear a shirt."

By this time Anna is out of patience and is cussing at Grandma, but Grandma keeps stalling because she knows it's the end of the routine and Anna has to go soon and she still wants Anna around, even if she is pissed.

"Ok, Grandma, you will wear this red shirt and you will like it."

Just like the mother of a toddler, she thrusts the shirt over G's head and pulls her arms into the sleeves.

I can imagine this is what the scene looked like.

Besieged

I have a million homework assignments to finish tonight and my family came over for their weekly dinner gathering.  My brother pulled me into the office to show me something he was interested in and before I could get out and get back to my room, Grandma came in.

Now, Grandma walks with an industrial sized maroon walker with fancy wheels and seating arrangements.  She also recently disobeyed Anna by trying a new pair of shoes, which caused her to develop ulcers on her heels.  So now, she is wearing these orthopedic boots that look like a cross between Uggs and a jock strap.  She stood there for at least twenty minutes complaining about the boots.

I told Anna I needed to leave and work on my homework, and we were cracking each other up because I knew Grandma would block the doorway for another twenty minutes.

She then asked Anna if she should take a shower.  She stood there for another twenty minutes and debated the pros, cons and process with Anna.  By this time Anna and I were in tears laughing because I just needed Grandma to move so I could get out.  She finally got out of the doorway and parked in front of my room.  "Am I out of your way yet?"

"Almost."

Swallowing Problem

Grandma started her nutritional temper tantrum by complaining that she isn't getting enough nutrition and that she needs to eat more vegetables.  So, Anna and I always make sure there are fruits and vegetables and salads ready to eat.

Once she realized we expect her to eat these vegetables, she started saying she is having trouble swallowing.  But her problem is pretty selective.  I brought home some Marie Callender's pie and dinner for her.  She trotted right over to the pie and ate the whole slice, along with the cornbread with honey butter.  The she said she couldn't swallow anymore.

I'm not stupid, Grandma.  You have no problem eating sugar and cream based dishes, but vegetables cause you problems.  I get it.  But you don't need to tell me you can't swallow something and go through this whole ridiculous act of coughing and moaning about how you can't eat.  You had no trouble with that sweet and sour pork the other night, but the soup gave you trouble.  You aren't fooling anyone.

Bok Choy

I try to make sure G has dinner every night, since she pretty much has given up on feeding herself.  I came home before class and was rushing to get a plate put together for her.  I made her balsamic rosemary chicken, roasted garlic and lemon green beans, a baked sweet potato and some of my tomato basil soup.  She wheels into the kitchen and sees me plating her food and she says, "Oh, there is some bok choy in the fridge, you should make that.  I want to eat some bok choy."

"I'm not making you bok choy.  You can eat this if you like or throw it away and make yourself bok choy.  But, I have to get to class."

"Oh alright, I'll eat your food."

The next day I came home from work and she said, "I had the bok choy for lunch, and it was de-licious."

Friday Night Dinner

Grandma has been complaining that she can't swallow for the past several weeks.  Interestingly enough, though, if I buy her marshmallow eggs or creme brulee, she has no trouble with those.

6:30 pm: Anna and I ask G to come to dinner with us, but she complains that she can't swallow and that we may as well leave her at home, where she will try to get some water down.  As she protests for twenty minutes,  and makes groaning noises that she can't swallow, she moves closer to the door and has Anna put on her coat for her.  

7:20: We get to the restaurant and they must have been expecting us because they had a huge jar full of dum-dums.  I gave a butterscotch one to G and she popped it in her mouth and wouldn't take it out until her dinner arrived.  Even when she ordered her food, she had it in her mouth.

7:40:  She insisted she wouldn't be able to get any food down and ordered soup and started coughing after the first bite.  But, when I gave her a lot of my lobster ravioli, she ate every bite.  Plus she ate at least three pieces of bread with olive oil and balsamic dipping sauce.  But she wouldn't touch the soup after the first bite.

8:30:  Anna ordered dessert for Grandma and Grandma gave her the dirtiest look--one that she usually reserves for me.  But when dessert arrived, she ate the whole thing and part of mine as well.  After dessert, Grandma snagged five more dum-dums on the way out.

All in all, Grandma's "swallowing" problem mostly seemed to be a reason to be picky about her food.  And I got to enjoy an evening where she didn't like Anna and I could do nothing wrong.  It was fun.

Fake-Out

I have classes on Monday and Tuesday evenings from 6-8:30pm and Grandma and Anna know not to bug me when I'm in class (the classes are via web-conference) unless it's an emergency.  Anna came in on Tuesday and motioned for me to come out of the room.  I asked, "Are you sure?"  And she motioned again with some urgency.  About 500 dire possibilities came to mind--all of them having to do with Grandma and her health, or lack thereof.  I stood up and asked her what was wrong.

"Want to watch Game of Thrones with me?"

Really?

Nosebleed

The weather has been very dry here lately and G got a nosebleed the other night.  Anna gave her a tissue and once part of it had become soaked, G tried to rotate it, so as to use all the tissue.  Anna handed here a new tissue and said, "Here, treat yourself."

Flashback: Pride and Prejudice

Years ago G was watching the five hour A&E version of Pride and Prejudice with the family.  And it really is the only acceptable version.  You have to watch until the last or second to last video I think for a scene to come up where the character, Mr. Darcy, decides to go swimming.

Well, Mr. Darcy starts to take off his clothes and G was laying in her chair with her hands and feet waving in the air, "Take it off!!  Take it off!!"

So cute.

Wolf!

Grandma was yelling at the top of her lungs this morning (while I was at work), "Anna!  Anna!  Anna!"  She kept yelling and Anna got into G's room and asked her what was wrong.  She calmly showed Anna a sore on her foot and asked her if she thought it was getting worse.

Anna rubs G's feet every night and sees her feet every night.  I don't know the rush to have Anna see it since she had just seen it last night.  Plus, if Grandma starts yelling like that every time she wants attention, we aren't going to know when a real emergency is taking place.

Cream Brulee

My Grandmother's favorite dessert is creme brulee, but she pronounces it, "Cream Brulee."  I brought some home for her tonight because I know she loves it.  I had also bought all the ingredients to make one of her favorite soups--Tomato Basil.  I told her I was making the soup and offered to make her an artichoke and grilled cheese sandwich to go with it.  She wrinkled her nose and said, "I had soup for lunch."

Even though I had told her I brought her creme brulee when I got home, Anna carried it into her after dinner and said, "I brought you creme brulee, aren't I a good person?"

"Oh yes, you are a good person."

No concessions.

My brother, Grandma and I were playing Rook and Grandma made some poor playing moves, which led to me winning the round.  John and I were laughing about it and I said, "Grandma made those mistakes because she loves me and she wanted me to win."

Grandma closed her eyes and shook her head as if she had a lemon drop in her mouth to indicate that that was definitely not the case.

Fall Guy

When I was at work on Saturday, G asked Anna to throw away some wilting flowers we had in a vase from the garden.  Anna didn't want to do it right away, so she convinced Grandma that they weren't that bad.

On Sunday, G and Anna went into the living room again and the flowers had turned pretty ugly.  G told Anna, "I wanted to throw those away yesterday, but Esther didn't want to."

I'm so mean.

Tonight is a birthday party for my niece and I had originally planned to make cupcake pops, but after working a 12 hour shift yesterday, I was exhausted and couldn't bring myself to bake.  My sister and I went out and bought ice cream for ice cream sundaes instead--we figure we will torch some bananas (creme brulee style) and let the girls put whipped cream and a cherry on top.

When we told G of the game change she was really upset.  I wish you could have seen the look on her face, just like an angry raisin.  She said those girls will be upset if they don't get cake and,

"You are mean for not giving them cake!  Just mean.  You are mean, mean, mean, mean, mean."

She's pretty crazy!

I've been trying to spend time with Grandma and one of the things we've been doing together is watching documentaries because she loves them and I need them to help me brush up on my lessons.  We are, as you may know, in the middle of Ken Burns' Civil War documentary.  We were watching some 'Civil War' (she says, oh I like Civil War, let's watch that) and the episode described the fate of Mary Todd Lincoln, who died after spending her final years in an insane asylum.

My reaction, "Oh, how sad."

Grandma's reaction, "She was pretty crazy!"

Candy Thief

My niece, Allison, will be turning four this upcoming week and we are having a party for her at Grandma's house on Sunday with a pinata.  I bought candy to fill the pinata, but apparently Grandma can't wait until Sunday.  This is what I saw before I left for work this morning.

Can't even wait for Dum Dums.  And the flavors on the counter are cherry and orange, which means she picked out the good flavors already.

Nail Appointment

Grandma isn't allowed to drive anymore since her second driveway mishap--she backed up over her own walker.  We aren't sure how this happened.  She said it fell out of the car, but we think that would be physically impossible.  All we know is, the smooshed carcass of her walker lays as a cautionary warning in the garage.

She has been going to the same woman for probably two decades or so to get her nails done.  It isn't uncommon for Grandma to forget and Rosie to come over to the house to come get her.  Rosie will bring Grandma home-cooked Chinese food and she will buy her sweaters.  Grandma will give Rosie gift certificates and clothes as well.  I am grateful Grandma has made a friend of her.

Rosie has a thick accent and Grandma is hard of hearing and only uses the speaker phone.  So, both of them have a tough time communicating with each other over the phone.  Here is their latest phone conversation:

Grandma:  Rosie?  ROSIE?

Rosie: Mary? MARY?

Grandma:  Yes, THIS IS MARY!  Can you pick me up tomorrow?

Rosie:  What?

Grandma: Huh?

Rosie:  WHAT?

Grandma: CAN YOU PICK ME UP TOMORROW?

Rosie: Yes, I can pick you up.

Grandma: What?

Rosie: YES, I CAN PICK YOU UP.

Grandma:  GOOD, IS 10 OK?

Rosie:  Can you hold off until 11?

Grandma:  What?

Rosie:  CAN YOU WAIT UNTIL 11?

Grandma:  That's fine.  But you can pick me up right?

Rosie:  Yes, I'll see you tomorrow.

Grandma:  And you are going to pick me up right?

Rosie:  Yes, I'll come over then.

Grandma:  Ok, goodbye.

Rosie:  Ok---click.

Hook it Up

We came back from lunch and stopped to get Grandma some fuel for her car.  As I was filling up the tank, she looked longingly inside the store, so Anna asked her if she wanted anything.

"Yes.  Just get me something to suck on."

She handed Anna $0 .75 and I told her she wasn't going to get anything really big for that much money.  Anna told her we'd put the word out on the street for her.

Mad-dogger

This was a National Geographic picture of the day this week and Anna and I both had the same thought.  This is the look that Grandma gives me when she wants to indicate her displeasure with me.  She can mad-dog me for twenty minutes at a time.  It's awesome.

Apology

Part I:

I was sitting on the couch with my sewing and Grandma wheels up to me with gravity.  "Esther, I owe you an apology."

"What for?  I don't think you owe me any apologies."

"Hold on, I have to go pee."

Part II:

Thirty minutes later, Grandma threw a twenty dollar bill at me.  "There that's for you."

"What for?  You don't owe me anything."

"Now I know you told me that they don't make socks any bigger than the ones you bought me, but I wasn't listening to you, so here's the money for the socks you bought me."

I bought her said socks over two months ago and at the time she hadn't even looked at them before complaining about them.  I don't know what made her think of them yesterday.

Ken Burns groupie.

I've been watching the Ken Burns Civil War documentary series all week to kind of prep for some lessons coming up and G has really enjoyed watching them with me.  We watched two episodes yesterday, which is a lot of blood and carnage to take in for one day.  When the second one ended, she said, are we going to watch another one?  It was already near 9pm and I said, "Don't you think we've watched enough Civil War today?  I think two episodes is enough for one day."

"Well then, I guess I'll just sit here until my bedtime."

Bus Driver

Ok, Grandma.  I'm tired of being thrown under the bus with your friends.  You keep telling them you don't have food in the house and that your selfish spoiled grand-daughters won't cook for you or go to the store for you.  Anna and I both go to the store at least twice a week to keep you supplied, plus we cook at least three times a week for dinner in addition to taking you out to dinner at least once a week.

Last night your friend came over with groceries and I was home.  It made me look like a lazy brat who won't even get you food.

Church

Grandma's friend called her this evening and this is how their conversation went:

Carla: I slept in and missed church; I can't believe my alarm clock didn't go off.  Anything exciting happen?

Grandma: No.  Oh, Max Smart died.

Carla: He did?

Grandma: Yes.  He was 100.

Carla:  Oh.  I never liked him.

Grandma:  No, me neither.  It's a good thing he died.

Carla: Yeah, he sure pinched his pennies.

Grandma: Oh, he was terrible, he was really tight.

Carla: He's just stinky.

Grandma:  Good riddance.

Carla: Bob will be glad to hear it, he didn't like him.

Mouth-breather

I got an email from my older sister this morning:

Grandma has been farting all morning and the entire house is uninhabitable. I was studying at the dining room table and she was just standing there next to me for 10 minutes waiting for her ride to tea to pull up in the driveway. Her parting shot hit me like a punch in the face.


I'm off to mail Katy her care package.

The Kiss that Kills

Anna, G, and I have been watching Downton Abbey on my Netflix and we've really been enjoying it.  One of the characters in the show had a bit of a scandalous moment where the man who came in to pay her a visit died in her bed.  Anna and I were laughing when Anna said, "How many men have died after their last kiss with you, Grandma?"

What you need to know here is the answer is three, that we know of.  When she was 18, a boy she kissed then went and got electrocuted the next day or something near there.  When she was in her early 20s, a boyfriend she kissed went off to WWII and was killed.  And then there is Grandpa, and she's the last person he kissed, for sure.

Grandma's response, "Oh shut up."

Nutrition

Ok, Grandma.  I know you are constantly harping on how you don't get enough nutrition, but could you please stop putting left-over salads in the fridge that you know you won't eat because they don't have any sugar in them?  I just pulled out five different containers from the fridge with fermenting and moldy avocado, cauliflower, jicama, cabbage, and what used to be lettuce.

Run for the Border

Grandma went to the doctor again today and she was cleared on all worries about her mental state.  Plus, she doesn't have any bed-sores and her blood-work is normal, for her.  Anna was nice enough to take her around today and offered to drive Grandma to get some dinner after all the testing was over.  Anna said they were driving for an hour and a half because Grandma kept changing her mind.  When they arrived at the place Grandma finally settled on, it was closed, so Grandma wanted Anna to drive back to downtown Sacramento to her favorite restaurant, Danielle's.

Anna and Grandma came home with Taco Bell.

Heart-wrenching.

Grandma had a marathon day of doctor visits to go over the million issues she's dealing with.  She told me she thinks she shouldn't drive anymore.  This is another freedom she is abdicating.  Each one is a fight as she doesn't want to give anything up.  But, I can see why losing her independence is so awful for her.  We think she is going to hire someone to come in and drive her around a couple times a week.

My mom was with her all day and as my mom was leaving tonight Grandma looked up at her and said in the smallest voice, "Am I going to be ok?"

Stressful day.

I came home after working a 12-hour shift for the second day in a row and Grandma asked me how I was.  "Tired, but ok."

With not even a breath taking place after my comment, she says, "Well my day was terrible.  I overslept and didn't wake up until 9:30."

"Sounds awful."

Sweet as sugar

I was at the dinner table with my brother and Grandma came in and was staring at us.  "Do you want to play Yahtzee with us, Grandma?"

"No, I don't."

"Do you want to sit down and say nice things about me, Grandma?"

Long pause.  "No."

Dress Code

I attended my first staff meeting at the middle school I am student teaching at this week and I noticed all the women had ridiculously high necklines.  The shirt I was wearing has a standard neckline, but shows some slight cleavage due to circumstances out of my control.  I mentioned the neckline to Grandma before dinner and how surprised I was by how all the women were wearing turtle-neck standard necklines.

She kept staring at me during dinner and right before I went to bed, she called me over to her, "Esther, I wouldn't wear that shirt to school anymore."

"Ok, Grandma, let's not talk about my boobs anymore."

Happy 88th Birthday, Grandma

Grandma has a good friend, Carmelina, who is a superb chef and makes the absolute best chocolate truffles and mails Grandma a tin of them every Christmas.  Grandma got a package from Carmelina for her birthday and was disappointed when she learned the home-made truffles weren't in there.  Carmelina had packed a whole tin of pastries (that her husband spends three days on) and a pound of See's chocolate truffles.

With a pouty face, Grandma announced, "Well, she didn't send me truffles, oh well."